The Word in Focus with Dr Larry Taylor

There are introverts who aren’t empathetic and there are extroverts who are, but for now, let’s talk about those folks who are both introverted and empathetic. The combination is often misunderstood, but actually quite lovely. Personality research uses different terms, but many people recognize themselves in these patterns of needing solitude and feeling others’ emotions deeply.

Introverts

Introverts draw their energy from silence, solitude, and alone time, whereas extroverts draw their energy from being with people. Both may genuinely like people. Both are very capable of interacting and socializing; both make good leaders. The only real difference is that the extrovert recharges and reënergizes around others, while the introvert does so alone. An introvert who spends a day interacting with people needs quiet time alone to renew and refresh. An extrovert who spends a day alone needs social interaction to renew and refresh. The introvert draws energy from within; the extrovert draws energy from others.

Introverted people are not shy or antisocial. They draw energy from contemplation, silence, quiet, and being alone. Introverts dislike shallowness. They are not interested in pretending, banter, or the latest gossip. The chatter around them feels like so much noise.

Introverted people want friends, but they don’t want superficial friends. They long for safe, honest, authentic friendships built on mutual respect. Authentic, safe friends feel calm and peaceful. They are nonjudgmental. They enhance a sense of the true self rather than detract from it. Hallmarks of inauthenticity include a tendency to judge, diminish, or reject others.

Occidental culture values extroversion over introversion. Many an introverted child was told by parents, teachers, and coaches to stop being who they are and become more outgoing. A travel expert was asked for tips on traveling alone. His answer dealt entirely with how to party with the locals, meet new people, and pick up friends along the way. If the questioner was introverted, the travel expert missed the point. 

Some people not only need quiet to recharge but also experience the emotional world with unusual intensity. These are often called empaths.

Empaths

Empaths feel emotions more deeply than others. All spiritually healthy individuals have sympathy for those who are hurting. The milk of human kindness is ubiquitous. Empaths carry the wounds of others somatically—they feel the hurts, sorrows, struggles, and pains of others in their bodies. They literally feel what the other is feeling.

Like introverts, empaths need time alone, but for a different reason. Empaths absorb the moods of others; they physically feel the emotions and unspoken tones around them. That begins to weigh on them, and they need time alone to offload the weight and recharge.

Empathetic people desire intimacy, authenticity, honesty—not pretense or performance. This may cause them to “check out” in social situations. An empathetic person would rather have one meaningful conversation than many superficial ones. They can do small talk; they just don’t like it and find it a chore to keep it up. Like introverts, empaths long for a few deep, authentic friendships.

Generally, empaths don’t explode; they disappear. They feel too deeply to respond immediately. In conflict situations, they need to withdraw to think, process, and regroup.

Introverted Empaths

Introverted empaths draw energy from quiet stillness and physically feel the burdens of others. They are the exact opposite of loud boisterous narcissists. Introverted empaths are sometimes accused of wearing their feelings on their sleeve, of being too sensitive, of not being able to take a joke. People who are both introverted and deeply empathetic are often accused of being shy, antisocial, or “caring too much.”

In some strands of religiosity, it is considered idolatrous or sinful to “love too much.” I’ve heard people say that their spouse or child died because they loved them too much. God was jealous. God removed them. (What sort of petty god is that?) You cannot love anyone too much. You can “love” wrongly by smothering people, controlling people, or enabling addictions, but none of that is really love. You cannot spoil a child with love. You spoil them with indulgence and lack of structure, not with love. Love does what is best for the other.

Some introverted and empathetic people learned in childhood to become the ones who are low-need. They may have been trained to hide themselves. They feel like they must stay calm and useful to be accepted. Their role is supporting others. Consequently, they may find it easy to give but hard to receive. They may abandon themselves to care for others, which can slide into codependency and lack of self-care. They can wind up feeling like no one really knows them. They may be thinking, “If I’m fully myself, I’ll be hurt.” 

That’s why boundaries are important. Developing healthy boundaries is vital. Sensitivity without boundaries drains us. Sensitivity with boundaries leads to wisdom. Sometimes a boundary looks like leaving a gathering early, turning off the phone, or saying, “I care about you, but I don’t have the emotional space to talk about this right now.”

Empathetic introverts care deeply, love deeply, and carry others in their hearts. They eschew superficiality and embrace authenticity. They make excellent caregivers, counselors, therapists, general practitioners, poets, and philosophers. Like all of us, they must learn to care for themselves. The internalization of tragedy and heartbreak will be overwhelming unless they learn how to offload through prayer, meditation, reading a good book, listening to music, taking long meditative walks in nature, or having an in-depth discussion with a trusted friend or colleague.

Introverted empaths require times of silence, quiet, aloneness, and meditation. They need to be understood and accepted for who they are. They need one or two authentic friendships in which they can feel safe. Their empathetic, introverted personality is a gift. They will lose themselves if they try to fit in, to force themselves to be extroverted, or to deny the deep wounds they carry on behalf of those who are suffering.

Introverted empaths are like deep waters in a world of surface waves. They may not be loud, but they hold depth, reflection, and life beneath the surface. When they honor their need for stillness and protect their tender hearts with wise boundaries, their presence becomes a quiet refuge for others. The world needs their depth, their listening, and their steady compassion. Their sensitivity is not too much — it is a different kind of strength. Honoring how you’re made doesn’t make you less sensitive — it makes you more whole.